Saturday, November 17, 2007
i am thankful for....
my sweet little alex, who likes to sing "twinkle twinkle little star" and "santa claus is coming to town" into his microphone at the top of his lungs * my husband who is so handsome and is the cutest when he wears a baseball hat * my mom who is so strong and determined to set an amazing example for her children and grandchildren * my dad who is my superman and whose love is endless * my brother mike, who is the funniest person i know * my sister nicki, who is my "mommy role model" * my sister gabrielle, who doesn't realize it but is worth more than triple her weight in gold * my brother david, who has been a joy to watch grow up into a wonderful young man * steve, for being the sensitive loving "bair" that he is * my grandparents, who enjoy our little visits and never want us to leave * my nephews jake and luke, who are alex's playmates and brothers * my nieces sophie, preslee, and mason who are my reasons to buy pink and my hope for a daughter of my own someday * john and robin, who take such good care of us and have raised jay to be the person who he is today * my aunts, uncles, and cousins (there are too many to list but i love you more than the whole world), who have shown me the joys of having a large family * drew and laura, thanks to them, i now have three brothers and three sisters * jay's meme, who refers to me as her granddaughter * mark and peggy, who love me as their own * my 29 years with my grandma john - although it was not long enough * my friends, who i don't talk to or see as often as i would like, but i know are just a phone call away * my memories, of playing bakery in the sandbox, building tree forts, my first day of college, my rewards and frustrations of teaching, my perfect rainy wedding day, being pregnant, and my favorite of all - hearing the words, "you have a son" * and i'd be remiss if i forgot the little things in life, books, a glass of wine, freshly baked cookies, yankee candles, baby lotion, jay's warm hands, alex's feet, charlie, flip flops, the perfect summer day, a fire in the fireplace, coffee * i could go on and on all day, i truly have so much to be thankful for in my life...happy thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Have you ever wanted something so badly?
I am not pregnant. I want to be pregnant so badly. It is such a strange feeling each month to mourn something I never even had. We are now onto month 5 of trying to get pregnant. I can't actually believe this is happening.
I look at my beautiful son and my heart aches to give him a brother or a sister.
I think of the house we are getting ready to build and am terrified that we won't be able to fill the rooms with the sound of children laughing and playing (and fighting too.)
I feel scared and sad and helpless and angry.
I tell myself that it will happen. Even if we "do" everything right, there is only a 30% chance of conceiving each month.
I ask myself, "How is that possible?"
My mother always says that she and my dad never "tried." She just knew when it was time to have another baby, because she felt as if someone was missing from our family. Before I became a mother, I always liked that thought but never really understood exactly what she meant. Now I do. Someone is missing, and we need them to come into our lives. I hope I don't sound selfish, because if you know me you know that I know how blessed I am. I have always said that if Alex is my only child, I would still feel like the luckiest woman in the world. And I still do. But when I think about my family, I truly feel like someone is missing. My heart aches for this person I don't even know. I am trying to be patient, but patience is not a virtue I possess. Luckily for me, however, faith is, and I trust in God to send me my baby. We will just keep praying.
My mother always says that she and my dad never "tried." She just knew when it was time to have another baby, because she felt as if someone was missing from our family. Before I became a mother, I always liked that thought but never really understood exactly what she meant. Now I do. Someone is missing, and we need them to come into our lives. I hope I don't sound selfish, because if you know me you know that I know how blessed I am. I have always said that if Alex is my only child, I would still feel like the luckiest woman in the world. And I still do. But when I think about my family, I truly feel like someone is missing. My heart aches for this person I don't even know. I am trying to be patient, but patience is not a virtue I possess. Luckily for me, however, faith is, and I trust in God to send me my baby. We will just keep praying.
Our Bedtime Prayer
Mommy and Daddy: Please God,
Alex: bless my mommy and my daddy
Mommy and Daddy: and everyone who
Alex: loves me.
Mommy and Daddy: Help me to be
Alex: a good boy.
Mommy and Daddy: Please send me
Alex: a brother or a sister. Amen.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Life with a Toddler
I have been asked several times in the last 2 years if I ever get bored staying home with my son. BORED? Are you kidding me? I don't think I have had a dull moment...at least not since Alex has become a toddler....
http://www.dictionary.com/ defines a toddler as a person who toddles, esp. a young child learning to walk. And while yes this is true, what happened to the rest of the definition? What about the talking, the reasoning, the tantrums, the learning, the sense of humor, the energy, the improvement of both fine and gross motor skills, the constant exploration and discovery?
Anyone who spends time with a toddler knows that you can almost hear the wheels turning in their little heads. Alex, simply stated, amazes me everyday....
#1 His memory is outstanding
- When we make a right onto Timonium Road from York Road, he says, "My Gym." And sure enough there it is!
- He has many books,songs, and rhymes memorized and he asks for books by the titles now too!
- Yesterday, I asked him if he wanted to go to Wegmans or Giant and he said, "Wegmans. I get pumpkin sugar cookie." Not only did he remember the pumpkin sugar cookie from last week, he remembered where I bought it!
#2 His vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds
- I can carry on simple conversations with him. How could I ever be bored, when I have this little person to talk to all day long?
-On the down side, this morning as I was trying to put his clothes on him he said, "Get away from me." OUCH!
#3 - Houston, we have a sense of humor (as well as a little rotten streak)
- He was turning the tv on and off and on and off. I said, "Alex, stop touching the tv. Keep your hands off of it." He proceeded to take his blue bear's little arm and turn the tv on and off on and off. He then looked over at me and said, "Blue Bear push the button."
#4 - If only I could bottle up all that energy....
-Several times a day he says, "I run." And then he does.
-He loves the song, "You Got to Move It Move It" and will dance to it as many times as I can stand to listen to it.
#5 - Big and little
- Although he is still a big fan of the "gallop" he is really starting to get jumping. You should see him in a moon bounce or on a trampoline. The kid is a natural!
-He can take my house key and put it in the keyhole. I mean come on, I sometimes even have trouble with that one...
#6 - Hey! a leaf, a plane, a bird, a dog, a pumpkin, a car, a train.....
-Everyday Alex discovers something simple and yet wonderful. And I get to see the world through his eyes... what could be better than that!?
http://www.dictionary.com/ defines a toddler as a person who toddles, esp. a young child learning to walk. And while yes this is true, what happened to the rest of the definition? What about the talking, the reasoning, the tantrums, the learning, the sense of humor, the energy, the improvement of both fine and gross motor skills, the constant exploration and discovery?
Anyone who spends time with a toddler knows that you can almost hear the wheels turning in their little heads. Alex, simply stated, amazes me everyday....
#1 His memory is outstanding
- When we make a right onto Timonium Road from York Road, he says, "My Gym." And sure enough there it is!
- He has many books,songs, and rhymes memorized and he asks for books by the titles now too!
- Yesterday, I asked him if he wanted to go to Wegmans or Giant and he said, "Wegmans. I get pumpkin sugar cookie." Not only did he remember the pumpkin sugar cookie from last week, he remembered where I bought it!
#2 His vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds
- I can carry on simple conversations with him. How could I ever be bored, when I have this little person to talk to all day long?
-On the down side, this morning as I was trying to put his clothes on him he said, "Get away from me." OUCH!
#3 - Houston, we have a sense of humor (as well as a little rotten streak)
- He was turning the tv on and off and on and off. I said, "Alex, stop touching the tv. Keep your hands off of it." He proceeded to take his blue bear's little arm and turn the tv on and off on and off. He then looked over at me and said, "Blue Bear push the button."
#4 - If only I could bottle up all that energy....
-Several times a day he says, "I run." And then he does.
-He loves the song, "You Got to Move It Move It" and will dance to it as many times as I can stand to listen to it.
#5 - Big and little
- Although he is still a big fan of the "gallop" he is really starting to get jumping. You should see him in a moon bounce or on a trampoline. The kid is a natural!
-He can take my house key and put it in the keyhole. I mean come on, I sometimes even have trouble with that one...
#6 - Hey! a leaf, a plane, a bird, a dog, a pumpkin, a car, a train.....
-Everyday Alex discovers something simple and yet wonderful. And I get to see the world through his eyes... what could be better than that!?
Thursday, October 11, 2007
The Perfect Case
Finding out my dad had cancer was one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me. He has always been such a strong man. It has always been kind of a joke in our family that my dad is Superman. But really it isn't a joke at all. He is our rock. Our Man of Steel. He has always done everything for our family. We rely on him for so much and that is how he likes it. I had a hard time imagining life any other way. Well luckily, I don't think I will have to worry any longer. He had surgery on Tuesday, and the doctor said it was a "perfect case." The prostate came out easily and the lymph nodes look fine. What a relief to have that weight lifted off his shoulders (and ours as well). He is home resting, and we are all doting (or maybe you would call it hovering). All I know is I thank God for answering our prayers. You can't beat the power of prayer.
The kryptonite is gone and Superman is doing fine.
The kryptonite is gone and Superman is doing fine.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
The Mother-Child Bond
How is it that as soon as a woman finds out she is expecting a child the bond is formed?
The moment I found out that I was pregnant with Alex, my heart became connected to him. I carried him for 9 months doing everything in my power to make sure he came into this world safely. It was amazing to be linked to another person in that way. I used to just lay and feel him move. After he was born, it was strange to see him move in certain ways and think, "Wow, that is probably what I was feeling when I was pregnant."
The bond has continued since and has grown stronger. In some ways he is more a part of me now than when I was pregnant with him. Part of this is because he usually is not out of my sight, unless he is sleeping. Spending all day, everyday with him has helped me know him better than anyone else in the world.
Last night, I tossed and turned all night. I woke up at 5:00 and could not go back to sleep. At 5:30, Alex called out to me in his scared cry. I was in his room in 5 seconds flat. He had a bad dream about a witch. He was terrified. I could tell by the way his voice shook when he talked and the big crocodile tears streaming down his face. I picked him up and truly felt his fear in my own heart, because Alex is my heart. It was as though I had the nightmare myself. It was eerie, yet extraordinary at the same time. I held him tight and we both had a good cry. Jay came and got us and brought us back to bed for some cuddle time.
The bond between mother and child is almost impossible to define. It is unending, unbreakable, and utterly the most beautiful feeling in the world. I have said it before, and I will say it again, "I am blessed." I hope and pray that this bond continues as Alex grows, and that he always knows he can come to me no matter what!
The moment I found out that I was pregnant with Alex, my heart became connected to him. I carried him for 9 months doing everything in my power to make sure he came into this world safely. It was amazing to be linked to another person in that way. I used to just lay and feel him move. After he was born, it was strange to see him move in certain ways and think, "Wow, that is probably what I was feeling when I was pregnant."
The bond has continued since and has grown stronger. In some ways he is more a part of me now than when I was pregnant with him. Part of this is because he usually is not out of my sight, unless he is sleeping. Spending all day, everyday with him has helped me know him better than anyone else in the world.
Last night, I tossed and turned all night. I woke up at 5:00 and could not go back to sleep. At 5:30, Alex called out to me in his scared cry. I was in his room in 5 seconds flat. He had a bad dream about a witch. He was terrified. I could tell by the way his voice shook when he talked and the big crocodile tears streaming down his face. I picked him up and truly felt his fear in my own heart, because Alex is my heart. It was as though I had the nightmare myself. It was eerie, yet extraordinary at the same time. I held him tight and we both had a good cry. Jay came and got us and brought us back to bed for some cuddle time.
The bond between mother and child is almost impossible to define. It is unending, unbreakable, and utterly the most beautiful feeling in the world. I have said it before, and I will say it again, "I am blessed." I hope and pray that this bond continues as Alex grows, and that he always knows he can come to me no matter what!
Monday, October 1, 2007
Ten Tiny Toes
Tonight when I went up to check on Alex, I burst into tears. Who is that big boy who takes up most of the crib? Where is my tiny baby boy?As I watched him, he let out a sigh as he often does in his sleep...a telltale sign that he is really out. I looked down at his feet which I think are the cutest feet in the world. I covered him up with his blank-blank and couldn't help but stand there a few minutes more. He just looked so peaceful. I looked back down at his feet and saw that he already kicked them out from under the blanket.
I thought, Ah-ha, he still is that same baby. Even as an infant, Alex hated having his feet covered up when he slept. Swaddling? Forget it. He would kick right out. When he sleeps in bed with us, he sleeps cuddled up with his feet resting on top of me. He has to have his feet out when he sleeps. He gets that from me.
He is growing up so fast. I cherish the moments where he reminds me that he is still my baby boy.
Kissing Cousins
It has been a week since fall started, and we are having a blast. Friday evening we met my sister Nicki, her hubby Steve and their two boys at the playground. As the boys played and we chased, I couldn't help but get a little overwhelmed. I can't believe that my sister and I have children. It seems like just yesterday we were sharing a room and she was copying everything I did. (She is almost 4 years younger than me and used to think I was the coolest)
Her oldest, Sophie, my goddaughter, was with my parents that night. But Alex just loves her so much. And I love that when she talks to him her voice gets higher, and that she calls him "Ally." She is really an amazing big sister, not just to her brothers but to Alex as well. That makes me so happy. Alex being the oldest will never have a "BIG" sister (obviously), but he might as well have one in Sophie.
Her second, Jake, is almost 2 years older than Alex. Alex literally thinks he is the best thing since....digital cameras (my favorite invention). He talks about Jake constantly. They couldn't be more like brothers. They are best buddies, and then the next minute they are fighting, and then they are right back to best buddies again....in true brother fashion.
Her youngest, Luke, will always hold a special place in my heart, because I saw him the moment he was born. He is 10 months younger than Alex, and it is so endearing to see Alex take on the "BIG" brother role with Luke. The other day he was pretending to talk to my sister on the phone. He said, "Hi KiKi, how is UKEY doing?" It was the cutest thing ever!
Anyway, back to my story. After the boys ran themselves tired (or should I say ran their parents tired), we got in our cars and drove to the market (5 minutes away) to pick up sandwiches to eat for dinner. When we got to the store Alex saw the boys and called out to them, "Jake! Luke!" like he hadn't seen them in years. Jake replied in a similar manner. They were so excited to see one another, even though they were just together a few minutes before. It was the simplest of moments, but I can't describe the joy I felt.
I truly hope that Alex has siblings some day. But I have the peace in my heart knowing that his cousins are the next best thing. That love will remain a constant in their lives always, just as it has with my brothers and sisters. But I will save that for a different day!
Her oldest, Sophie, my goddaughter, was with my parents that night. But Alex just loves her so much. And I love that when she talks to him her voice gets higher, and that she calls him "Ally." She is really an amazing big sister, not just to her brothers but to Alex as well. That makes me so happy. Alex being the oldest will never have a "BIG" sister (obviously), but he might as well have one in Sophie.
Her second, Jake, is almost 2 years older than Alex. Alex literally thinks he is the best thing since....digital cameras (my favorite invention). He talks about Jake constantly. They couldn't be more like brothers. They are best buddies, and then the next minute they are fighting, and then they are right back to best buddies again....in true brother fashion.
Her youngest, Luke, will always hold a special place in my heart, because I saw him the moment he was born. He is 10 months younger than Alex, and it is so endearing to see Alex take on the "BIG" brother role with Luke. The other day he was pretending to talk to my sister on the phone. He said, "Hi KiKi, how is UKEY doing?" It was the cutest thing ever!
Anyway, back to my story. After the boys ran themselves tired (or should I say ran their parents tired), we got in our cars and drove to the market (5 minutes away) to pick up sandwiches to eat for dinner. When we got to the store Alex saw the boys and called out to them, "Jake! Luke!" like he hadn't seen them in years. Jake replied in a similar manner. They were so excited to see one another, even though they were just together a few minutes before. It was the simplest of moments, but I can't describe the joy I felt.
I truly hope that Alex has siblings some day. But I have the peace in my heart knowing that his cousins are the next best thing. That love will remain a constant in their lives always, just as it has with my brothers and sisters. But I will save that for a different day!
Friday, September 28, 2007
Laura "Tagged" Me....
So I think I am supposed to answer these questions about my hubby - how fun!
1. Who is your man? Jay
2. How long have you been together? 5 and 1/2 years
3. How long did you date? just under 3 years - we got married 4.2.05
4. How old is your man? 30 years old (3 days younger than me)
5. Who eats more? We both love to eat, but I think he eats more.
6. Who said "I love you" first? Jay (3 months after we met)
7. Who is taller? Jay, by over a foot
8. Who sings better? Jay, but he seldom gets the words right.
9. Who is smarter? I always say I am, but we are both pretty smart.
10. Whose temper is worse? Jay's is worse - he likes to have tt's over small things.
11. Who does the laundry? ME! I think he has maybe done 5 loads of laundry in the time I have known him.
12. Who takes out the garbage? Usually Jay
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I do - it is closer to the nursery and we know he isn't getting up in the night.
14. Who pays the bills? I do.
15. Who is better with the computer? We both are computer literate.
16. Who mows the lawn? He does.
17. Who cooks dinner? We both do. He is a better cook.
18. Who drives when you are together? We both do. He usually whines so I will drive, unless I "forget" my glasses.
19. Who pays when you go out? Jay
20. Who is the most stubborn? We are both pretty stubborn, but he usually says "sorry" first.
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? See question #20
22. Whose parents do you see the most? both sets - we live exactly in the middle
23. Who kissed who first? Jay kissed me first, on our first "real" date.
24. Who asked who out? Jay asked me out. Our first date was drinks in Federal Hill. We hung out a few times before that!
25. Who proposed? Jay did on 4.11.04 in the Philadelphia Airport - he had a sign when I got off the plane.
26. Who is more sensitive? I am
27. Who has more friends? We both have a lot of close friends
28. Who has more siblings? ME. He has a brother and I have two sisters and two brothers.
29. Who wears the pants in the family? Jay likes to "think" he does!
1. Who is your man? Jay
2. How long have you been together? 5 and 1/2 years
3. How long did you date? just under 3 years - we got married 4.2.05
4. How old is your man? 30 years old (3 days younger than me)
5. Who eats more? We both love to eat, but I think he eats more.
6. Who said "I love you" first? Jay (3 months after we met)
7. Who is taller? Jay, by over a foot
8. Who sings better? Jay, but he seldom gets the words right.
9. Who is smarter? I always say I am, but we are both pretty smart.
10. Whose temper is worse? Jay's is worse - he likes to have tt's over small things.
11. Who does the laundry? ME! I think he has maybe done 5 loads of laundry in the time I have known him.
12. Who takes out the garbage? Usually Jay
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I do - it is closer to the nursery and we know he isn't getting up in the night.
14. Who pays the bills? I do.
15. Who is better with the computer? We both are computer literate.
16. Who mows the lawn? He does.
17. Who cooks dinner? We both do. He is a better cook.
18. Who drives when you are together? We both do. He usually whines so I will drive, unless I "forget" my glasses.
19. Who pays when you go out? Jay
20. Who is the most stubborn? We are both pretty stubborn, but he usually says "sorry" first.
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? See question #20
22. Whose parents do you see the most? both sets - we live exactly in the middle
23. Who kissed who first? Jay kissed me first, on our first "real" date.
24. Who asked who out? Jay asked me out. Our first date was drinks in Federal Hill. We hung out a few times before that!
25. Who proposed? Jay did on 4.11.04 in the Philadelphia Airport - he had a sign when I got off the plane.
26. Who is more sensitive? I am
27. Who has more friends? We both have a lot of close friends
28. Who has more siblings? ME. He has a brother and I have two sisters and two brothers.
29. Who wears the pants in the family? Jay likes to "think" he does!
Monday, September 24, 2007
Date Night
Tonight Jay had a work dinner, so Alex and I went out on a date. We went to Cheeburger Cheeburger and had a blast. As we sat singing to the oldies blaring on the radio and drawing pictures on the back of the menu, the same question kept going through my mind....What could be better than this??
Answer: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
Answer: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
He is so much fun. It is so incredible to be able to talk to him and have him understand and talk back. I kept thinking, "Here I am having a conversation with my little boy!" He even ordered for himself tonight.
At the end of our date, the waitress took our picture and Alex gave me a kiss. And if you could have seen him drink an entire chocolate milkshake all by himself....so what if he only ate a cup of applesauce and half a grilled cheese....he really enjoyed every last drop of that milkshake.
By the way - today is the first day of fall and all is right with MY world.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Blessings
We have been so busy the last few days (or I should say months). Alex is on the go constantly. Between going to Stroller Strides, My Gym, the playground, walking around our neighborhood, and dancing to the Wiggles, we are always on the move!
Yesterday we were outside the house and Alex was collecting his usual sticks, leaves, rocks, and grass from the yard. I was sitting on the front steps just watching him explore. It is amazing to me how time is flying by.... He is such a little man. He is confident and fearless. He wants to go on the big boy slide at the playground, and do everything "myself" as he says. I really try to just take him in...it is so wonderful to be able to learn everything again through his eyes. And what beautiful eyes they are - when he smiles his eyes light up and my heart fills up!
And as busy as we are and as fast as time is going by, I try each day to just memorize a little more of him. This is our time. My little boy and me. I will never have it back again. So each night as I read to him I hug him tight, and when he asks me to read "another one," I don't say no, because one day all too soon this time will be over. And as I put him in his crib and kiss him goodnight, I always say, "May God bless you," and as I walk away I always add, "because he sure has blessed me."
Yesterday we were outside the house and Alex was collecting his usual sticks, leaves, rocks, and grass from the yard. I was sitting on the front steps just watching him explore. It is amazing to me how time is flying by.... He is such a little man. He is confident and fearless. He wants to go on the big boy slide at the playground, and do everything "myself" as he says. I really try to just take him in...it is so wonderful to be able to learn everything again through his eyes. And what beautiful eyes they are - when he smiles his eyes light up and my heart fills up!
And as busy as we are and as fast as time is going by, I try each day to just memorize a little more of him. This is our time. My little boy and me. I will never have it back again. So each night as I read to him I hug him tight, and when he asks me to read "another one," I don't say no, because one day all too soon this time will be over. And as I put him in his crib and kiss him goodnight, I always say, "May God bless you," and as I walk away I always add, "because he sure has blessed me."
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