Saturday, November 17, 2007

i am thankful for....

my sweet little alex, who likes to sing "twinkle twinkle little star" and "santa claus is coming to town" into his microphone at the top of his lungs * my husband who is so handsome and is the cutest when he wears a baseball hat * my mom who is so strong and determined to set an amazing example for her children and grandchildren * my dad who is my superman and whose love is endless * my brother mike, who is the funniest person i know * my sister nicki, who is my "mommy role model" * my sister gabrielle, who doesn't realize it but is worth more than triple her weight in gold * my brother david, who has been a joy to watch grow up into a wonderful young man * steve, for being the sensitive loving "bair" that he is * my grandparents, who enjoy our little visits and never want us to leave * my nephews jake and luke, who are alex's playmates and brothers * my nieces sophie, preslee, and mason who are my reasons to buy pink and my hope for a daughter of my own someday * john and robin, who take such good care of us and have raised jay to be the person who he is today * my aunts, uncles, and cousins (there are too many to list but i love you more than the whole world), who have shown me the joys of having a large family * drew and laura, thanks to them, i now have three brothers and three sisters * jay's meme, who refers to me as her granddaughter * mark and peggy, who love me as their own * my 29 years with my grandma john - although it was not long enough * my friends, who i don't talk to or see as often as i would like, but i know are just a phone call away * my memories, of playing bakery in the sandbox, building tree forts, my first day of college, my rewards and frustrations of teaching, my perfect rainy wedding day, being pregnant, and my favorite of all - hearing the words, "you have a son" * and i'd be remiss if i forgot the little things in life, books, a glass of wine, freshly baked cookies, yankee candles, baby lotion, jay's warm hands, alex's feet, charlie, flip flops, the perfect summer day, a fire in the fireplace, coffee * i could go on and on all day, i truly have so much to be thankful for in my life...happy thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Have you ever wanted something so badly?

I am not pregnant. I want to be pregnant so badly. It is such a strange feeling each month to mourn something I never even had. We are now onto month 5 of trying to get pregnant. I can't actually believe this is happening.

I look at my beautiful son and my heart aches to give him a brother or a sister.
I think of the house we are getting ready to build and am terrified that we won't be able to fill the rooms with the sound of children laughing and playing (and fighting too.)
I feel scared and sad and helpless and angry.
I tell myself that it will happen. Even if we "do" everything right, there is only a 30% chance of conceiving each month.
I ask myself, "How is that possible?"

My mother always says that she and my dad never "tried." She just knew when it was time to have another baby, because she felt as if someone was missing from our family. Before I became a mother, I always liked that thought but never really understood exactly what she meant. Now I do. Someone is missing, and we need them to come into our lives. I hope I don't sound selfish, because if you know me you know that I know how blessed I am. I have always said that if Alex is my only child, I would still feel like the luckiest woman in the world. And I still do. But when I think about my family, I truly feel like someone is missing. My heart aches for this person I don't even know. I am trying to be patient, but patience is not a virtue I possess. Luckily for me, however, faith is, and I trust in God to send me my baby. We will just keep praying.

Our Bedtime Prayer
Mommy and Daddy: Please God,
Alex: bless my mommy and my daddy
Mommy and Daddy: and everyone who
Alex: loves me.
Mommy and Daddy: Help me to be
Alex: a good boy.
Mommy and Daddy: Please send me
Alex: a brother or a sister. Amen.