Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Have you ever wanted something so badly?

I am not pregnant. I want to be pregnant so badly. It is such a strange feeling each month to mourn something I never even had. We are now onto month 5 of trying to get pregnant. I can't actually believe this is happening.

I look at my beautiful son and my heart aches to give him a brother or a sister.
I think of the house we are getting ready to build and am terrified that we won't be able to fill the rooms with the sound of children laughing and playing (and fighting too.)
I feel scared and sad and helpless and angry.
I tell myself that it will happen. Even if we "do" everything right, there is only a 30% chance of conceiving each month.
I ask myself, "How is that possible?"

My mother always says that she and my dad never "tried." She just knew when it was time to have another baby, because she felt as if someone was missing from our family. Before I became a mother, I always liked that thought but never really understood exactly what she meant. Now I do. Someone is missing, and we need them to come into our lives. I hope I don't sound selfish, because if you know me you know that I know how blessed I am. I have always said that if Alex is my only child, I would still feel like the luckiest woman in the world. And I still do. But when I think about my family, I truly feel like someone is missing. My heart aches for this person I don't even know. I am trying to be patient, but patience is not a virtue I possess. Luckily for me, however, faith is, and I trust in God to send me my baby. We will just keep praying.

Our Bedtime Prayer
Mommy and Daddy: Please God,
Alex: bless my mommy and my daddy
Mommy and Daddy: and everyone who
Alex: loves me.
Mommy and Daddy: Help me to be
Alex: a good boy.
Mommy and Daddy: Please send me
Alex: a brother or a sister. Amen.


Robin said...

Jamie -
It is breaking my heart that you
are hurting so badly. But I am reassured by your faith and mine that you and Jay will succeed in giving Alexander a sister or a brother. You are all surrounded by love and prayers, and you know that God has a plan for you .... maybe it is even to allow you time to write a blog which may give strength and encouragement to someone else!!
Hang in there - you will fill up those bedrooms!

Mark said...

Hi Jamie - well, the last time this happened was about 1957, but I find myself agreeing with every single word that Robin said (I am not normally agreeable by nature.) But she is right -we're all hurting for you right now, but it's that kind of hurt that we all know will be taken away soon, to be replaced by baby shower invitations, doctors' appointments, late-night hospital trips and the joyous cry of a newborn.

Peggy and I are always thrilled to be great-uncle-and-aunt any time, so just bear in mind the old adage "Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal" and expect to hear good news soon! He never fails!

we love you!

PS "Elvis" is a very popular name for baby boys, and you can't go wrong with "Priscilla" or "Lisa Marie" for girls. How cool would it be to have Elvis and Preslee at our gatherings? Just an idea. You don't have to say yes or no right away.

The Beynon Family said...

Jamie: No one understands your pain better than Drew and I. Going through it, I never wanted to hear this, but knowing what I know now, it makes perfect sense. It takes many months to create the perfect little baby. We waited 18 months and look how perfect Preslee and Mason are. God is working on your perfect little one and they will be here soon. Keep the faith!

Nicki said...

Jamie,-I hate that you are feeling so sad. I would do anything in the world for you,,and I pray every night that God answers your prayers. I know he will. Alex is a wonderful little boy and I know he will be a wonderful big brother too. I never really tried and I listened to moms advice and now I have had 3 healthy pregnancies and beautiful babies to boot. You I know will too. You are the most generious and amazing person, God will send you another angel shortly!! I know it!!

Mark said...

Dear Jamie - Nicki got it so right! Alex is a great little guy and you are a wonderful mommy, and God will have new little baby feet running around your house really soon! You know what, sometimes the best things happen when we're looking the other way! He will know best when to send you and Jay another - and it will be soon!