The past few weeks since my grandmother died have been so hard on me. This is usually my favorite time of year. But this year, I have a heavy heart. I miss her so very much. I have a picture of her and I on my desk. I look at our smiling faces and her hand on my face, and I know I need to be brave. It is what she would want.
And although she is no longer on this earth, she is in my heart because as my cousin Richard said so beautifully, I was her heart. She was so proud of me and the family I have built. So I will be strong for her. I will not let her down. I will not focus on what I have lost, but rather the values of love and family she instilled in me and all of her family. And I know I have so many things to be thankful for this year.
I am thankful for my friends. They have been a tremendous support during this difficult time in my life. I am thankful for my family. We are blessed to have one another, and we have been there for one another in a way I know would make Grandma Mela proud.
I am thankful for my beautiful children. I am thankful for Alex and how smart and diligent he is in school and karate. And I am thankful that he is such a sensitive soul - he is wearing Grandma Mela's cross around his neck and says he likes that it is by his heart so he can always remember her and show her respect. I am thankful for Isabella who is the happiest, most imaginative little girl. I love that she gets so excited when we spend the day together. She always says, Girls' Day! I am thankful for how they both are so excited for their new baby brother to get here. My belly gets countless hugs and kisses everyday. I am thankful I have only 10 weeks of this pregnancy left!! I can't wait to meet my new little baby boy. I am thankful for my husband who carried up many many bins of Christmas decorations and baby clothes from the basement tonight without complaint. I am nesting in a big way lately, and he loves me enough to humor me.
Tonight we all cuddled in Isabella's bed and read our Thanksgiving books. Alex said he is thankful for everything he has. Isabella said she is thankful for her fam-a-wee (family) and Snow White. I am thankful for how much they love one another, their mommy and daddy, their cousins, their grandparents and their aunts and uncles. I am so thankful and proud that I am the Mommy of two kids with such strong family loyalty even at their young ages...
And I owe it all to the example set by our big, crazy, amazing family. Because... "Other things may change us, but we start and end with family." -Anthony Brandt
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Dear Grandma Mela,
You called us your “kiddies.” We called you “Mam-ma, Grandma, Grandma Mela." You made the sign of the cross on our foreheads and said “May God Bless You.” And now every night I do the same for my kids and they say it to each other. You never tattled on us when you babysat even when we were rotten. I looked forward to sleepovers on Plumbrook Court. And Sunday dinners at your house. And Christmas Eve. You always made Christmas so special. We were the luckiest grandkids – we even got Christmas Eve gifts! And the best cookies in the world. They were always unveiled after our wonderful dinner of sausage and peppers and lasagna. You were at every birthday dinner. You always had to see us on our actual birthdays! I will never forget our trips to Nutley or our beach vacations in New Jersey and Ocean City. You used to love to sit on the porch at night and listen to the ocean. (And I remember when Alex was a baby, he sat on your lap on the beach and you fed him a peach!! A random thought I know, but one I will never forget).
And we grew up. And you were still there calling us your kiddies. You celebrated our graduations and danced at our weddings. And held our babies. I still remember coming home when Nicki was in labor with Sophie and you were sitting at the kitchen table timing her contractions. In every picture I have of you in recent years, you have a great grandbaby in your arms. They brought you so much joy. As you always said, “I just such a kick out of them!” And they loved their Grandma Mela. Alex is already calling you his angel and is praying to you! He learned in church that you can pray any time of the day, so he said that he knows anytime he wants to talk to you he can…not just at bedtime. He is wondering if you are getting free ice cream in heaven. And he told me he will never forget you. He wants to put a picture of you in his room so he can always see you.
When I told Isabella you were in heaven, she said, “Grandma is in heaven with Jesus. I wish we could take an airplane to see her.” Me too, sweet girl. Me too.
And don’t worry about Poppy. We will do our best to take good care of him. Alex told me the other night that he had a good idea. He said, “We can go visit Poppy every couple of days. Remember Mom, when we would always go to their house?” Yes. I remember. Eating pizza, drinking wine and Anisette, trying to drink coffee (you always made it so strong), and then eating candy…reeses and green leaves. You loved having us there. You would always clean the floors so the babies wouldn’t get germs when they were crawling around. Sitting around your kitchen table chatting will always be one of my fondest memories.
I know without a doubt you are in heaven with your mom and dad and your sisters and brothers. I am sure you are playing poker. Hopefully you are having better luck then you always did in Atlantic City. I know you will always be looking down on all of us. But I want you here. I am really not sure how I am going to live without you in my life. I miss you so much already. I want you to hold my new baby in February and bless his forehead. I promise to tell him all about you, and I will tell him about all the times you made the sign of the cross on my belly and said, “May God bless you.” And I will tell him how the last time I saw you, you put your hand on my belly and said, “I love that belly.” You loved him before you even knew him, and I will make sure he knows it. And one more promise – I will always hold you in my heart and never forget how much you loved me – I am so blessed to be your oldest grandchild and to have had you here with me for 34 years. I love you Grandma Mela. May God Bless You!!
And we grew up. And you were still there calling us your kiddies. You celebrated our graduations and danced at our weddings. And held our babies. I still remember coming home when Nicki was in labor with Sophie and you were sitting at the kitchen table timing her contractions. In every picture I have of you in recent years, you have a great grandbaby in your arms. They brought you so much joy. As you always said, “I just such a kick out of them!” And they loved their Grandma Mela. Alex is already calling you his angel and is praying to you! He learned in church that you can pray any time of the day, so he said that he knows anytime he wants to talk to you he can…not just at bedtime. He is wondering if you are getting free ice cream in heaven. And he told me he will never forget you. He wants to put a picture of you in his room so he can always see you.
When I told Isabella you were in heaven, she said, “Grandma is in heaven with Jesus. I wish we could take an airplane to see her.” Me too, sweet girl. Me too.
And don’t worry about Poppy. We will do our best to take good care of him. Alex told me the other night that he had a good idea. He said, “We can go visit Poppy every couple of days. Remember Mom, when we would always go to their house?” Yes. I remember. Eating pizza, drinking wine and Anisette, trying to drink coffee (you always made it so strong), and then eating candy…reeses and green leaves. You loved having us there. You would always clean the floors so the babies wouldn’t get germs when they were crawling around. Sitting around your kitchen table chatting will always be one of my fondest memories.
I know without a doubt you are in heaven with your mom and dad and your sisters and brothers. I am sure you are playing poker. Hopefully you are having better luck then you always did in Atlantic City. I know you will always be looking down on all of us. But I want you here. I am really not sure how I am going to live without you in my life. I miss you so much already. I want you to hold my new baby in February and bless his forehead. I promise to tell him all about you, and I will tell him about all the times you made the sign of the cross on my belly and said, “May God bless you.” And I will tell him how the last time I saw you, you put your hand on my belly and said, “I love that belly.” You loved him before you even knew him, and I will make sure he knows it. And one more promise – I will always hold you in my heart and never forget how much you loved me – I am so blessed to be your oldest grandchild and to have had you here with me for 34 years. I love you Grandma Mela. May God Bless You!!
Monday, November 7, 2011
3rd Trimester
Wow! 27 weeks down. 12 to go! Yikes. 12 weeks sounds like a long time. I can't believe I have to be pregnant for almost 3 more months. I know it will go by quickly with the holidays coming up...Thanksgiving, Alex's birthday (yes, he thinks it is a national holiday), Christmas.
Been going to the doctor once a week. Measuring right on. Heartbeat nice and strong. He is a mover. He seems to be doing somersaults in there. He gets the hiccups all the time - no joke. Several times a day. Excited for next week. I have another sonogram. Can't wait to see him again.
My c-section is scheduled for February 1st. I am praying for no snow this winter!
Alex and Isabella are beside themselves with excitement. They have both felt him move. They kiss my belly. Alex hugs me and thinks it is funny that his arms do not reach around me. ha ha. Real funny! Isabella went with me to the doctor and heard his heartbeat. Each of my pregnancies has been so special, but I think this one is most special because I get to experience it with them.
I can't wait to meet my little man. But as uncomfortable as I am, I am cherishing this time. This will probably be my last baby. I sit every night and just enjoy feeling him move. And even though I am over most things about being pregnant, that is the one thing that never gets old.
Been going to the doctor once a week. Measuring right on. Heartbeat nice and strong. He is a mover. He seems to be doing somersaults in there. He gets the hiccups all the time - no joke. Several times a day. Excited for next week. I have another sonogram. Can't wait to see him again.
My c-section is scheduled for February 1st. I am praying for no snow this winter!
Alex and Isabella are beside themselves with excitement. They have both felt him move. They kiss my belly. Alex hugs me and thinks it is funny that his arms do not reach around me. ha ha. Real funny! Isabella went with me to the doctor and heard his heartbeat. Each of my pregnancies has been so special, but I think this one is most special because I get to experience it with them.
I can't wait to meet my little man. But as uncomfortable as I am, I am cherishing this time. This will probably be my last baby. I sit every night and just enjoy feeling him move. And even though I am over most things about being pregnant, that is the one thing that never gets old.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
First Lost Tooth
No, it wasn't Alex who lost a tooth today. It was Isabella. About a year and a half ago, she fell and chipped her two front teeth. We have been to the dentist 4 times, had it x-rayed and everything looked fine. Last week I noticed she had a blister on her gum and took her back to the dentist. They x-rayed it again and gave me the news that her front tooth would have to come out. I held it together until we got outside and then lost it. Isabella said, "Mommy. Stop crying over my tooth." I just couldn't help it - my poor baby girl.
All week long we have been talking about being brave at the dentist (more for me than her) and how the tooth fairy is going to come to our house and leave her money just like on Yo Gabba Gabba. Alex offered to let her use his special lost tooth pillow (that was daddy's when he was little). He also offered to go back to preschool and be in her class just in case anyone made fun of her.
This morning, we headed to the dentist. She climbed in the car, breathed the silly gas and held perfectly still. She was the model patient. Daddy and I were nervous wrecks.
An hour later we were home watching movies. Pop came to visit. Nana is on her way. She got some Lalaloopsy dolls for being so brave. Her best friend Kaitlyn surprised her with balloons, a card and some ice cream - just what Dr. Kohn ordered. (Thank you, Ms. Sarah).
A little while ago, she came into the kitchen. "Momma, I looked in the mirror."
"What did you see?" I asked.
"A princess."
Here she is, my beautiful, confident, happy princess with her new smile.
All week long we have been talking about being brave at the dentist (more for me than her) and how the tooth fairy is going to come to our house and leave her money just like on Yo Gabba Gabba. Alex offered to let her use his special lost tooth pillow (that was daddy's when he was little). He also offered to go back to preschool and be in her class just in case anyone made fun of her.
This morning, we headed to the dentist. She climbed in the car, breathed the silly gas and held perfectly still. She was the model patient. Daddy and I were nervous wrecks.
An hour later we were home watching movies. Pop came to visit. Nana is on her way. She got some Lalaloopsy dolls for being so brave. Her best friend Kaitlyn surprised her with balloons, a card and some ice cream - just what Dr. Kohn ordered. (Thank you, Ms. Sarah).
A little while ago, she came into the kitchen. "Momma, I looked in the mirror."
"What did you see?" I asked.
"A princess."
Here she is, my beautiful, confident, happy princess with her new smile.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
It's a Boy
Baby Boy,
Since the moment I found out I was carrying you, I wondered day and night if you were a boy or a girl. Well today at the ultrasound you were more than happy to show us that you are all boy!!! You are so cute…you were all curled up and comfy in my belly. I hope that means you are going to be a cuddle bug. We called all your grandparents and aunts and uncles to tell them that we were having a baby boy.
Then off to the store I went. I bought blue balloons, a blue stuffed monkey, and a little brother onesie. I picked up Isabella from school and told her the news. And then when Alex got off the bus we put the onesie on the bear and the look on his face when he realized he was having a brother was priceless!! He is going to be such a good big brother to you. He has already promised to teach you math when you turn 4. And he also said that he wants to go look through all his books and give you some and he will read them to you when he learns to read. And Isabella is going to be like another little mother to you. She tells me that she will hold you and rock you.
Since the moment I found out I was carrying you, I wondered day and night if you were a boy or a girl. Well today at the ultrasound you were more than happy to show us that you are all boy!!! You are so cute…you were all curled up and comfy in my belly. I hope that means you are going to be a cuddle bug. We called all your grandparents and aunts and uncles to tell them that we were having a baby boy.
Then off to the store I went. I bought blue balloons, a blue stuffed monkey, and a little brother onesie. I picked up Isabella from school and told her the news. And then when Alex got off the bus we put the onesie on the bear and the look on his face when he realized he was having a brother was priceless!! He is going to be such a good big brother to you. He has already promised to teach you math when you turn 4. And he also said that he wants to go look through all his books and give you some and he will read them to you when he learns to read. And Isabella is going to be like another little mother to you. She tells me that she will hold you and rock you.
I can’t believe we still have a little over 4 months until we meet you. But when it is cold outside it will warm in our home because baby boy you will be here – and our family will be complete.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Big Day for My Big Girl
Today Isabella started 3 Year Old preschool. When we got to school she smiled as we snapped pictures of her by the “Chestnut Grove Tree.” Then it was time to go to her classroom. She put her tiny hand in mine and looked up at me. “Momma, you are going to stay with me?” I held back the tears and told her that no I wouldn’t be staying but she is a big girl and will be fine (but would I?) She wouldn’t let go of my hand. She might as well have been squeezing my heart. I kissed her and said a quick goodbye knowing she was in good hands. I held back my tears until I got into my car. I cannot believe she is already in preschool. As I have said so many times before, the years are going by so so quickly. I want her to stay my baby girl. I kept busy this morning and looked forward to seeing my girl at 12:30. When I picked her up she was sitting in her cubby with a huge smile on her face. She had a great morning.
We went home, had a snack, changed clothes and then we were off to her first ballet class. She was too cute in her pink tights, ballet shoes and tutu. When we picked up Alex from the bus stop she showed him all her new moves!
What a day!
We went home, had a snack, changed clothes and then we were off to her first ballet class. She was too cute in her pink tights, ballet shoes and tutu. When we picked up Alex from the bus stop she showed him all her new moves!
What a day!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Alex's First Day of School 2011
For almost six years, Alex has been mine. For all his days, I have been his caregiver, his teacher, his playmate. Yes, he went to My Gym, and to camps and to preschool. But the majority of his day was spent at home with me. Today that all changed. Today was a day that we have been talking about all summer. Today was the day that Alex got on the bus and smiled and waved as his daddy and I cried behind our sunglasses. Today was Alex’s first day of Kindergarten.
I can’t believe that he is old enough to go to school all day every day. I am one big conflict of emotions right now. I am so excited as he starts this new chapter in his life. He is going to learn so much at school. But I am so sad that he is no longer going to spend his afternoons with Isabella and me or be able to sleep in like a teenager. This morning she told him, “I am really going to miss you Ally.” And my heart literally broke. I still see him as my baby and I can’t believe he is no longer my baby, or a toddler, or even a preschooler. He is a school-aged kid. I want to rewind time. I want those years back when he was mine… all mine.
Today when I picked him up (did I mention he was only gone half day today? I might really fall apart tomorrow when he goes all day) he was so happy. He had such a “great day” (Mrs. Bensen’s words). I asked him how the bus ride was and he said, “I started to cry, but I was able to hold my tears back. And then I realized they were just tears of joy.” Then I asked, “Did you say, ‘I miss my Momma?’” He said, “No. But I was thinking it in my head.”
Well , I spent my whole morning thinking “in my head” how much I missed you. You may be a big kid now but as far as I am concerned you will always be my smiling, silly baby boy (even if you only allow me to say it when we are by ourselves). And even though I have to share you with teachers and friends in my heart you will always be mine all mine.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Happy 3rd Birthday, Isabella
Dear Isabella,
I think I am in denial. I can't believe that tomorrow you will be three years old. As I rocked you tonight you barely fit in my lap. It seems like only moments ago, you were an infant in my arms.
In the past six months you have really changed from my baby girl to my big girl. Six months ago when I asked if you wanted me to have another baby you would say, “Momma , you don’t need another baby. You have me. I’m your baby.” Now you call yourself a "big girl" and you are so excited to be a big sister in a few months. You tell me that you love the baby in my belly and you are so cute taking care of your baby dolls. I know you are going to be a great help when the baby comes.
I think I am in denial. I can't believe that tomorrow you will be three years old. As I rocked you tonight you barely fit in my lap. It seems like only moments ago, you were an infant in my arms.
In the past six months you have really changed from my baby girl to my big girl. Six months ago when I asked if you wanted me to have another baby you would say, “Momma , you don’t need another baby. You have me. I’m your baby.” Now you call yourself a "big girl" and you are so excited to be a big sister in a few months. You tell me that you love the baby in my belly and you are so cute taking care of your baby dolls. I know you are going to be a great help when the baby comes.
Six months ago you wouldn't even consider using the potty or giving up your "nippy." Now you are potty trained and haven't asked for your pacifier in months.
Some things haven't changed though. You still think Alex hung the moon. You talk from morning til night. You are still in love with Gigi. You only want your daddy when you are hurt. You are as stubborn as can be and will not take no for an answer. You need to have your toenails painted...always! You love to cuddle. You always say, "Momma, will you cuddle with me?" And often times I walk into the playroom to find you and Alex cuddled on the sofa watching a movie. And although you two love to torment each other, your bond is and always has been undeniable. You are as much his protector now as he is yours.
One day when you look back and read this letter, there are some things I want you to know about yourself as you were turning three. You know your whole name - Isabella Grace Beynon and say your nickname is Izzy Grace. You sleep with about 20 stuffed animals and call them your "cuddly things." Your favorite movies are Snow White and Beauty and the Beast. Your favorite color is pink and you love books, especially Pinkalicious. You have a best friend named Kaitlyn. Your cousins vie for your attention and the older neighborhood kids think you are a local celebrity. I call Sophie and you "American Girl Doll and Bitty Baby." You love to help daddy in the yard. You went to ballet camp this summer with Mason and Preslee. You love to dress up and pick out your own outfits. You sit at your banity (vanity) and put on jewelry and brush your hair. You are a girlie girl. But you are also tough. You don't take any stuff from anyone and tell it like it is. And if you are in a mood watch out! You are quite the tattletale. Poor Alex can't get away with anything these days. You are learning the art of shopping. We go to the mall and our first stop is Starbucks (a chocolate milk for you and a coffee for me). And I know I am in trouble when you pick something out and say, "But Momma. I need this." (But usually I agree).
I am a little sad and a lot nostalgic tonight as I write this letter to you. You are growing up way too fast. But I am also excited to see what this year will bring. You are getting ready to start preschool and in a few months you will be a big sister. Big changes are coming your way my sweet, sweet girl, but one thing will always remain constant - you are and always will be the light of our lives. I have always said that you have a light in you that brightens the world around you. Your spunky personality and beauty both inside and out make my world a wonderful, funny, beautiful place. I love you with all of my heart.
Momma
Some things haven't changed though. You still think Alex hung the moon. You talk from morning til night. You are still in love with Gigi. You only want your daddy when you are hurt. You are as stubborn as can be and will not take no for an answer. You need to have your toenails painted...always! You love to cuddle. You always say, "Momma, will you cuddle with me?" And often times I walk into the playroom to find you and Alex cuddled on the sofa watching a movie. And although you two love to torment each other, your bond is and always has been undeniable. You are as much his protector now as he is yours.
One day when you look back and read this letter, there are some things I want you to know about yourself as you were turning three. You know your whole name - Isabella Grace Beynon and say your nickname is Izzy Grace. You sleep with about 20 stuffed animals and call them your "cuddly things." Your favorite movies are Snow White and Beauty and the Beast. Your favorite color is pink and you love books, especially Pinkalicious. You have a best friend named Kaitlyn. Your cousins vie for your attention and the older neighborhood kids think you are a local celebrity. I call Sophie and you "American Girl Doll and Bitty Baby." You love to help daddy in the yard. You went to ballet camp this summer with Mason and Preslee. You love to dress up and pick out your own outfits. You sit at your banity (vanity) and put on jewelry and brush your hair. You are a girlie girl. But you are also tough. You don't take any stuff from anyone and tell it like it is. And if you are in a mood watch out! You are quite the tattletale. Poor Alex can't get away with anything these days. You are learning the art of shopping. We go to the mall and our first stop is Starbucks (a chocolate milk for you and a coffee for me). And I know I am in trouble when you pick something out and say, "But Momma. I need this." (But usually I agree).
I am a little sad and a lot nostalgic tonight as I write this letter to you. You are growing up way too fast. But I am also excited to see what this year will bring. You are getting ready to start preschool and in a few months you will be a big sister. Big changes are coming your way my sweet, sweet girl, but one thing will always remain constant - you are and always will be the light of our lives. I have always said that you have a light in you that brightens the world around you. Your spunky personality and beauty both inside and out make my world a wonderful, funny, beautiful place. I love you with all of my heart.
Momma
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Isabella's Strawberry Shortcake Party
When I asked Isabella a few months ago what kind of party she wanted for her birthday, she said, "A Strawberry Shortcake party." And you know how I can run with a theme. With last year's beautiful day in mind, I started planning and buying. I bought everything strawberry I could find...candy, cookies, clothing, decorations, even hand soap!! I started searching for strawberry dessert recipes. I hired a DJ and a Balloon Artist.
Everything was going according to plan. And then came Irene the hurricane. All week long I watched the weather and Irene get closer scheduled to make landfall in Maryland Saturday night. And that meant rain all day on Saturday! At first I was worried...my baby deserved a beautiful summer day just like last year. But that was not in the cards. When I told Isabella that it was going to rain on her party day, she said, "It's okay Mommy. It won't rain inside." So we cleaned out the garage and set up tables and decorated the inside of the house. We put the DJ in the mudroom - not ideal but it worked. We thought maybe people wouldn't come because of the weather - we should have known better - people filled and I mean filled our house. We ate and danced and Isabella had so much fun. She played with her friends and opened a ton of gifts and smiled when everyone crowded in the dining room to sing happy birthday to the sweetest girl in all the world.
Last night when I was putting her to bed, I asked if she had fun at her party. She said, "I loved my Strawberry Shortcake Party. Thank you for my party, Mommy."
You are welcome, Isabella. Anything for you.
Everything was going according to plan. And then came Irene the hurricane. All week long I watched the weather and Irene get closer scheduled to make landfall in Maryland Saturday night. And that meant rain all day on Saturday! At first I was worried...my baby deserved a beautiful summer day just like last year. But that was not in the cards. When I told Isabella that it was going to rain on her party day, she said, "It's okay Mommy. It won't rain inside." So we cleaned out the garage and set up tables and decorated the inside of the house. We put the DJ in the mudroom - not ideal but it worked. We thought maybe people wouldn't come because of the weather - we should have known better - people filled and I mean filled our house. We ate and danced and Isabella had so much fun. She played with her friends and opened a ton of gifts and smiled when everyone crowded in the dining room to sing happy birthday to the sweetest girl in all the world.
Last night when I was putting her to bed, I asked if she had fun at her party. She said, "I loved my Strawberry Shortcake Party. Thank you for my party, Mommy."
You are welcome, Isabella. Anything for you.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Baby #3
Dear Baby,
Here you are at about 12 weeks. You are about 2.5 inches and completely perfect. I saw your little arms, your legs, your heart beating (165 bpm). You had the hiccups. You looked like you were doing karate in there which Alex thinks is so cool. And when I showed Isabella your picture she said, "That baby is sooo cute." And speaking of your sister, you look just like her. But that doesn't mean I think you are a girl. I have no idea. I knew for sure with Alex and Isabella, but little one, you have me stumped...I have had boy and girl dreams (including one where I was wearing a shirt that said, "It's a girl." And another where you were born and the doctor said, "It's a boy!")...Alex says brother...Isabella says sister. Well, I guess we will just have to wait 6 more weeks to find out.
One thing is for sure, no matter boy or girl, I am madly and totally in love with you.
Love,
Mommy
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