Constants

There are some things that remain a constant in my life no matter how old I get. They are little things, but they still warm my heart in a way that is almost impossible to describe.

My Poppy always puts his keys on top of the refrigerator whenever he goes to someone's house. I remember him doing this when I was little, and tonight I saw him reach up and get them off my mom's refrigerator as they were leaving.

My Grandma Mela always called her grandchildren kiddies as we were growing up and sometimes still does. And now she calls our children kiddies.

My mother always knows what to say to make me feel better without even trying. Tonight she told me how when she was shopping today, without thinking, she bought 5 little stockings for her grand kids for next Christmas. She only has 4 grandchildren to date. When she got home she realized she bought the 5th stocking, so maybe it is a sign. All I know is that for some silly reason it gave me hope that I will indeed have another baby.

Nat King Cole Christmas songs always remind me of my Grandma John.

Jay's hands are always warm no matter what the weather. And when I am feeling sad or lost all I have to do is hold his hand. I feel better immediately.

My dad will always have a dry sarcastic remark that will make his family laugh.

My dad will always be "that guy" out on Christmas Eve shopping for that last minute gift.

Nothing says Christmas like the smell of a fresh Christmas tree.

My faith - lately I have been getting very emotional when I am in church. I think it is because it is where I feel the closest to my Grandma John. But also, because I have realized how much my faith means to me, especially now that we are trying to have another baby. Without my faith I would have nothing to hold onto in this journey. Having a healthy baby is a miracle, and I truly believe only God can answer my prayers for a brother or a sister for Alex.

Christmas 2007

Christmas has come and gone. All the planning, shopping, baking, wrapping and it is over in the blink of an eye. If it were up to me, it would last for a week! That is how long Alex would have taken to open and play with all the gifts if Jay and I hadn't helped. He must have been a very good boy, because Santa treated him very well.


Here is a picture of our tree "Pre-Santa"









And here is a picture of our tree "Post Santa"





Besides the presents, which are only an added bonus, we had an amazing Christmas spending time with our families. Again though, I think we need a whole week in order to see everyone. We spend a lot of time in the car on Christmas, but in a way even that is nice, because we get some "us" time to talk and listen to Christmas music. It is hectic, but I really wouldn't have it any other way! It somehow works for us!



Here are a few more pictures of our "Christmas Angel" - that is what Jay was calling Alex all day yesterday!

My Son...My Son

Last weekend, Jay and I went to Florida for a friend's wedding. I missed Alex terribly, but I have to admit I did enjoy sleeping until 9:30 two days in a row!

On Friday morning the guys went golfing. Terri and I went to breakfast at the restaurant. Seated at the table next to us were these three "older" women. They were talking about their grown children and grandchildren as only women can do...The one lady was going on and on and on and on about her son. I can tell you all about his job, his wife, his house, his kids, but I won't.

The next day, we were all sitting around talking and somehow the subject of the ladies came up in conversation. I said to Terri, "The one lady was so funny. My Son! My Son! I hope I don't get like that when I am old." Terri looked me right in the eye and said, "Get like that???" You are like that!" And although she said it in jest, I know there is A LOT of truth to it. I guess I had been talking about Alex a lot! But really, who could blame me? I mean look at this face.....

The Parties Are Over....

This morning Alex got up and said, "Momma, I want my birthday back!" I can't blame him. We did some serious celebrating over the past few days. We started out by having a party at My Gym with all of his cousins and friends. What a great party. Those girls at My Gym do it up right. They played all of Alex's favorite songs - the Wiggles and "You Got to Move It, Move It." He was in his glory as the center of attention as he danced and sang and even wore a birthday hat and sunglasses and led the parade! After the My Gym party, we had all of our family over for a Wiggles-Themed Pizza Party. Although our townhouse was busting at the seams with all of the people, everyone had fun celebrating with the birthday boy. Yesterday was Alex's actual birthday. He woke up and opened his presents from Momma and Daddy - we got him an easel which he absolutely loves. Then we met Kiki, Jake and Luke for lunch at Cheeburger! Cheeburger! And last night, Alex's grandma, pop, nana, and pop pop all came over for dinner. He so enjoyed having the undivided attention of his parents and grandparents. We got to sing Happy Birthday one more time, and then we opened his gifts from the grandparents - a tool bench and a keyboard! What fun! I will never be able to get him out of the house because he will not want to leave of all the new toys! To top off the evening, we watched the video of the day Alex was born. To me, that was the perfect way to end the celebration. Seeing that little baby all wrapped in his blanket, wearing that blue hat and hearing that tiny cry brought back the memories of the happiest day of my life.

Click below for a slideshow of the festivities....

http://www.kodakgallery.com/Slideshow.jsp?&mode=fromsite&collid=32912404805.544792179505.1197392579001&conn_speed=1

Reflecting God's Light

I think I am in a state of shock! My little baby is going to be 2 tomorrow. I remember crying everyday for the first few weeks of his life, because he was 2 days old, then three days old and so on and so on. Now he is 730 days old. And although I can barely remember life without him, I can't believe he is turning 2. It is the strangest feeling. Two years ago tonight at this time, I was finally resting comfortably after being in labor all day long, thanks to a wonderful thing called an epidural. In a few hours, the doctor would come in and make the decision to deliver Baby Beynon via c-section. It was at that moment I felt relief and peace wash over me. Not just because I was worried about the many, many exhausted family members in the waiting room, but because I was finally going to get to feast my eyes on this little baby who I had been singing to, reading to, and loving for 9 months. As the doctor was performing the c-section, I looked at Jay and said, "I want to do this again someday!" And then a few minutes later at 2:45 am, Alex was born and it truly was the most amazing moment of my life. There really are no words to describe that feeling when the doctor said, "You have a son."

And tonight when I sang, "You Are My Sunshine" to him as I have since he was in my belly, I cried. I couldn't help myself. I was feeling so overwhelmed with love as the memories of his "birthday" came rushing in...I am so very proud to be Alex's mother. That brings me to the title of this entry ("finally!"you say). Today in church the priest was talking about how we can be a reflection of God's light. And I know that through the love I feel for my son, God's light is reflected each and every day. It is almost as though the love I feel for him radiates from my heart, and if you look closely you can see God's light shining forth in the miracle that is this smart, beautiful, independent child. God gave me the gift of motherhood and through my love for Alex I will spend my life thanking him and reflecting His light.

Using Blue Bear for Good Not Just for Evil!

Alex is your typical toddler. He is possessive of his toys - the words MINE and NO come out of his mouth more times in a day than I care to count. He plays rough, sometimes too rough. Just ask Mason and Preslee (his 10-month old little girl cousins), who are crawling and getting into his things and climbing on him. He seems to no longer see them as little babies but his counterparts, which equals me constantly saying, "Be gentle with them." He is independent. He now likes to "read" his own books at night, which is so sad! He says, "I pick out a book. I read it!" And he is obsessed with putting toilet paper in the toilet and then flushing it over and over!

But tonight Alex did something not so typical of a toddler. He showed empathy, which if you ask me is a hard emotion for even some adults to show! I am having a rough night. I am not pregnant again this month. I was sitting on the floor in my room talking to Jay on the phone. I was crying. Alex walked over to me and made Blue Bear give me a kiss. He said, "Momma, Blue Bear make you feel better." How sweet is that!? And smart too! He was able to understand that I was feeling sad, and he knows that Blue Bear comforts him so he must be able to comfort me too! And even though his stinky lovey's kiss didn't really do the trick, the fact that my little boy can be so sweet and loving sure helped me get up and continue on with my night of bathing and playing with my most adorable little monster!

i am thankful for....

my sweet little alex, who likes to sing "twinkle twinkle little star" and "santa claus is coming to town" into his microphone at the top of his lungs * my husband who is so handsome and is the cutest when he wears a baseball hat * my mom who is so strong and determined to set an amazing example for her children and grandchildren * my dad who is my superman and whose love is endless * my brother mike, who is the funniest person i know * my sister nicki, who is my "mommy role model" * my sister gabrielle, who doesn't realize it but is worth more than triple her weight in gold * my brother david, who has been a joy to watch grow up into a wonderful young man * steve, for being the sensitive loving "bair" that he is * my grandparents, who enjoy our little visits and never want us to leave * my nephews jake and luke, who are alex's playmates and brothers * my nieces sophie, preslee, and mason who are my reasons to buy pink and my hope for a daughter of my own someday * john and robin, who take such good care of us and have raised jay to be the person who he is today * my aunts, uncles, and cousins (there are too many to list but i love you more than the whole world), who have shown me the joys of having a large family * drew and laura, thanks to them, i now have three brothers and three sisters * jay's meme, who refers to me as her granddaughter * mark and peggy, who love me as their own * my 29 years with my grandma john - although it was not long enough * my friends, who i don't talk to or see as often as i would like, but i know are just a phone call away * my memories, of playing bakery in the sandbox, building tree forts, my first day of college, my rewards and frustrations of teaching, my perfect rainy wedding day, being pregnant, and my favorite of all - hearing the words, "you have a son" * and i'd be remiss if i forgot the little things in life, books, a glass of wine, freshly baked cookies, yankee candles, baby lotion, jay's warm hands, alex's feet, charlie, flip flops, the perfect summer day, a fire in the fireplace, coffee * i could go on and on all day, i truly have so much to be thankful for in my life...happy thanksgiving!

Have you ever wanted something so badly?

I am not pregnant. I want to be pregnant so badly. It is such a strange feeling each month to mourn something I never even had. We are now onto month 5 of trying to get pregnant. I can't actually believe this is happening.

I look at my beautiful son and my heart aches to give him a brother or a sister.

I think of the house we are getting ready to build and am terrified that we won't be able to fill the rooms with the sound of children laughing and playing (and fighting too.)

I feel scared and sad and helpless and angry.

I tell myself that it will happen. Even if we "do" everything right, there is only a 30% chance of conceiving each month.

I ask myself, "How is that possible?"

My mother always says that she and my dad never "tried." She just knew when it was time to have another baby, because she felt as if someone was missing from our family. Before I became a mother, I always liked that thought but never really understood exactly what she meant. Now I do. Someone is missing, and we need them to come into our lives. I hope I don't sound selfish, because if you know me you know that I know how blessed I am. I have always said that if Alex is my only child, I would still feel like the luckiest woman in the world. And I still do. But when I think about my family, I truly feel like someone is missing. My heart aches for this person I don't even know. I am trying to be patient, but patience is not a virtue I possess. Luckily for me, however, faith is, and I trust in God to send me my baby. We will just keep praying.

Our Bedtime Prayer

Mommy and Daddy: Please God,

Alex: bless my mommy and my daddy

Mommy and Daddy: and everyone who

Alex: loves me.

Mommy and Daddy: Help me to be

Alex: a good boy.

Mommy and Daddy: Please send me

Alex: a brother or a sister. Amen.

Life with a Toddler

I have been asked several times in the last 2 years if I ever get bored staying home with my son. BORED? Are you kidding me? I don't think I have had a dull moment...at least not since Alex has become a toddler....

http://www.dictionary.com/ defines a toddler as a person who toddles, esp. a young child learning to walk. And while yes this is true, what happened to the rest of the definition? What about the talking, the reasoning, the tantrums, the learning, the sense of humor, the energy, the improvement of both fine and gross motor skills, the constant exploration and discovery?
Anyone who spends time with a toddler knows that you can almost hear the wheels turning in their little heads. Alex, simply stated, amazes me everyday....

#1 His memory is outstanding
- When we make a right onto Timonium Road from York Road, he says, "My Gym." And sure enough there it is!
- He has many books,songs, and rhymes memorized and he asks for books by the titles now too!
- Yesterday, I asked him if he wanted to go to Wegmans or Giant and he said, "Wegmans. I get pumpkin sugar cookie." Not only did he remember the pumpkin sugar cookie from last week, he remembered where I bought it!

#2 His vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds
- I can carry on simple conversations with him. How could I ever be bored, when I have this little person to talk to all day long?
-On the down side, this morning as I was trying to put his clothes on him he said, "Get away from me." OUCH!

#3 - Houston, we have a sense of humor (as well as a little rotten streak)
- He was turning the tv on and off and on and off. I said, "Alex, stop touching the tv. Keep your hands off of it." He proceeded to take his blue bear's little arm and turn the tv on and off on and off. He then looked over at me and said, "Blue Bear push the button."

#4 - If only I could bottle up all that energy....
-Several times a day he says, "I run." And then he does.
-He loves the song, "You Got to Move It Move It" and will dance to it as many times as I can stand to listen to it.

#5 - Big and little
- Although he is still a big fan of the "gallop" he is really starting to get jumping. You should see him in a moon bounce or on a trampoline. The kid is a natural!
-He can take my house key and put it in the keyhole. I mean come on, I sometimes even have trouble with that one...

#6 - Hey! a leaf, a plane, a bird, a dog, a pumpkin, a car, a train.....
-Everyday Alex discovers something simple and yet wonderful. And I get to see the world through his eyes... what could be better than that!?

The Perfect Case

Finding out my dad had cancer was one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me. He has always been such a strong man. It has always been kind of a joke in our family that my dad is Superman. But really it isn't a joke at all. He is our rock. Our Man of Steel. He has always done everything for our family. We rely on him for so much and that is how he likes it. I had a hard time imagining life any other way. Well luckily, I don't think I will have to worry any longer. He had surgery on Tuesday, and the doctor said it was a "perfect case." The prostate came out easily and the lymph nodes look fine. What a relief to have that weight lifted off his shoulders (and ours as well). He is home resting, and we are all doting (or maybe you would call it hovering). All I know is I thank God for answering our prayers. You can't beat the power of prayer.

The kryptonite is gone and Superman is doing fine.

The Mother-Child Bond

How is it that as soon as a woman finds out she is expecting a child the bond is formed?

The moment I found out that I was pregnant with Alex, my heart became connected to him. I carried him for 9 months doing everything in my power to make sure he came into this world safely. It was amazing to be linked to another person in that way. I used to just lay and feel him move. After he was born, it was strange to see him move in certain ways and think, "Wow, that is probably what I was feeling when I was pregnant."

The bond has continued since and has grown stronger. In some ways he is more a part of me now than when I was pregnant with him. Part of this is because he usually is not out of my sight, unless he is sleeping. Spending all day, everyday with him has helped me know him better than anyone else in the world.

Last night, I tossed and turned all night. I woke up at 5:00 and could not go back to sleep. At 5:30, Alex called out to me in his scared cry. I was in his room in 5 seconds flat. He had a bad dream about a witch. He was terrified. I could tell by the way his voice shook when he talked and the big crocodile tears streaming down his face. I picked him up and truly felt his fear in my own heart, because Alex is my heart. It was as though I had the nightmare myself. It was eerie, yet extraordinary at the same time. I held him tight and we both had a good cry. Jay came and got us and brought us back to bed for some cuddle time.

The bond between mother and child is almost impossible to define. It is unending, unbreakable, and utterly the most beautiful feeling in the world. I have said it before, and I will say it again, "I am blessed." I hope and pray that this bond continues as Alex grows, and that he always knows he can come to me no matter what!

Ten Tiny Toes

Tonight when I went up to check on Alex, I burst into tears. Who is that big boy who takes up most of the crib? Where is my tiny baby boy?

As I watched him, he let out a sigh as he often does in his sleep...a telltale sign that he is really out. I looked down at his feet which I think are the cutest feet in the world. I covered him up with his blank-blank and couldn't help but stand there a few minutes more. He just looked so peaceful. I looked back down at his feet and saw that he already kicked them out from under the blanket.

I thought, Ah-ha, he still is that same baby. Even as an infant, Alex hated having his feet covered up when he slept. Swaddling? Forget it. He would kick right out. When he sleeps in bed with us, he sleeps cuddled up with his feet resting on top of me. He has to have his feet out when he sleeps. He gets that from me.

He is growing up so fast. I cherish the moments where he reminds me that he is still my baby boy.

Kissing Cousins

It has been a week since fall started, and we are having a blast. Friday evening we met my sister Nicki, her hubby Steve and their two boys at the playground. As the boys played and we chased, I couldn't help but get a little overwhelmed. I can't believe that my sister and I have children. It seems like just yesterday we were sharing a room and she was copying everything I did. (She is almost 4 years younger than me and used to think I was the coolest)

Her oldest, Sophie, my goddaughter, was with my parents that night. But Alex just loves her so much. And I love that when she talks to him her voice gets higher, and that she calls him "Ally." She is really an amazing big sister, not just to her brothers but to Alex as well. That makes me so happy. Alex being the oldest will never have a "BIG" sister (obviously), but he might as well have one in Sophie.

Her second, Jake, is almost 2 years older than Alex. Alex literally thinks he is the best thing since....digital cameras (my favorite invention). He talks about Jake constantly. They couldn't be more like brothers. They are best buddies, and then the next minute they are fighting, and then they are right back to best buddies again....in true brother fashion.

Her youngest, Luke, will always hold a special place in my heart, because I saw him the moment he was born. He is 10 months younger than Alex, and it is so endearing to see Alex take on the "BIG" brother role with Luke. The other day he was pretending to talk to my sister on the phone. He said, "Hi KiKi, how is UKEY doing?" It was the cutest thing ever!

Anyway, back to my story. After the boys ran themselves tired (or should I say ran their parents tired), we got in our cars and drove to the market (5 minutes away) to pick up sandwiches to eat for dinner. When we got to the store Alex saw the boys and called out to them, "Jake! Luke!" like he hadn't seen them in years. Jake replied in a similar manner. They were so excited to see one another, even though they were just together a few minutes before. It was the simplest of moments, but I can't describe the joy I felt.

I truly hope that Alex has siblings some day. But I have the peace in my heart knowing that his cousins are the next best thing. That love will remain a constant in their lives always, just as it has with my brothers and sisters. But I will save that for a different day!

Laura "Tagged" Me....

So I think I am supposed to answer these questions about my hubby - how fun!

1. Who is your man? Jay
2. How long have you been together? 5 and 1/2 years
3. How long did you date? just under 3 years - we got married 4.2.05
4. How old is your man? 30 years old (3 days younger than me)
5. Who eats more? We both love to eat, but I think he eats more.
6. Who said "I love you" first? Jay (3 months after we met)
7. Who is taller? Jay, by over a foot
8. Who sings better? Jay, but he seldom gets the words right.
9. Who is smarter? I always say I am, but we are both pretty smart.
10. Whose temper is worse? Jay's is worse - he likes to have tt's over small things.
11. Who does the laundry? ME! I think he has maybe done 5 loads of laundry in the time I have known him.
12. Who takes out the garbage? Usually Jay
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I do - it is closer to the nursery and we know he isn't getting up in the night.
14. Who pays the bills? I do.
15. Who is better with the computer? We both are computer literate.
16. Who mows the lawn? He does.
17. Who cooks dinner? We both do. He is a better cook.
18. Who drives when you are together? We both do. He usually whines so I will drive, unless I "forget" my glasses.
19. Who pays when you go out? Jay
20. Who is the most stubborn? We are both pretty stubborn, but he usually says "sorry" first.
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? See question #20
22. Whose parents do you see the most? both sets - we live exactly in the middle
23. Who kissed who first? Jay kissed me first, on our first "real" date.
24. Who asked who out? Jay asked me out. Our first date was drinks in Federal Hill. We hung out a few times before that!
25. Who proposed? Jay did on 4.11.04 in the Philadelphia Airport - he had a sign when I got off the plane.
26. Who is more sensitive? I am
27. Who has more friends? We both have a lot of close friends
28. Who has more siblings? ME. He has a brother and I have two sisters and two brothers.
29. Who wears the pants in the family? Jay likes to "think" he does!

Date Night

Tonight Jay had a work dinner, so Alex and I went out on a date. We went to Cheeburger Cheeburger and had a blast. As we sat singing to the oldies blaring on the radio and drawing pictures on the back of the menu, the same question kept going through my mind....

What could be better than this??
Answer: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

He is so much fun. It is so incredible to be able to talk to him and have him understand and talk back. I kept thinking, "Here I am having a conversation with my little boy!" He even ordered for himself tonight.

At the end of our date, the waitress took our picture and Alex gave me a kiss. And if you could have seen him drink an entire chocolate milkshake all by himself....so what if he only ate a cup of applesauce and half a grilled cheese....he really enjoyed every last drop of that milkshake.

By the way - today is the first day of fall and all is right with MY world.

Blessings

We have been so busy the last few days (or I should say months). Alex is on the go constantly. Between going to Stroller Strides, My Gym, the playground, walking around our neighborhood, and dancing to the Wiggles, we are always on the move!

Yesterday we were outside the house and Alex was collecting his usual sticks, leaves, rocks, and grass from the yard. I was sitting on the front steps just watching him explore. It is amazing to me how time is flying by.... He is such a little man. He is confident and fearless. He wants to go on the big boy slide at the playground, and do everything "myself" as he says. I really try to just take him in...it is so wonderful to be able to learn everything again through his eyes. And what beautiful eyes they are - when he smiles his eyes light up and my heart fills up!

And as busy as we are and as fast as time is going by, I try each day to just memorize a little more of him. This is our time. My little boy and me. I will never have it back again. So each night as I read to him I hug him tight, and when he asks me to read "another one," I don't say no, because one day all too soon this time will be over. And as I put him in his crib and kiss him goodnight, I always say, "May God bless you," and as I walk away I always add, "because he sure has blessed me."

Just a Thought

I think Alex is the most adorable and brilliant child in the world. He is a blessing and a joy and maybe I am biased but I don't care!

P.S. - I think my hubby is pretty darn cute too!

My Brain is on Overdrive

I am a thinker, a planner, an organzier. I am who I am, and I can't help it. My family teases me terribly, but there is nothing I can do to change it.

Question: So why would I be any different now that we are trying to get pregnant with #2?

Answer: I wouldn't be any different, because if I could I would. I am an information-seeking fiend. I am on the internet looking up TTC (that's trying to conceive) websites every chance I get. Do you know there is one called TWO WEEK WAIT.com? That is the two week wait between ovulation and your period! Gotta love it, I do. Jay doesn't even have to set his alarm for work anymore. He wakes up to the sound of my thermometer beep..beep...beeping. And when it comes to peeing on a stick, whether it be an Ovulation Predictor or a Home Pregnancy Test , I am an addict.

Now we are onto Day 2, Cycle #3 of this process. And I feel like I can't slow down much less stop on my quest for information. The questions race through my brain:

What is going on with my body? What can I do to maximize my chances this month? Why was it so easy with Alex? Why did I get pregnant in May just to lose the baby? Are Jay's boxer briefs too tight? How can I stop stressing and worrying?

The last question is a pointless one - because anyone who has tried to conceive knows that it is the one thing you hear most; "relax...don't stress...let it happen" and the thing that is the most impossible to do! Because if it could just happen it would have already, for me and for my friends sailing along in the same boat with me. As the months go by, the stress level goes up and my brain has officially slipped into Overdrive. Knowledge is power to me, it helps me make sense of the senseless. So maybe I shouldn't question why I am the way I am or what I can do to change it but instead just go along for the ride. And along the way I am going to pick up as much knowledge as my brain can hold (and that is a lot if I must say so myself!)

An acre and a 1/4

Yesterday, Jay (my hubby) and I became the proud owners of an acre and a 1/4 of land filled with trees, rocks, and probably many small animals and insects. Move over creatures because the Beynons are moving in! We are planning to break ground in six months so we are in the process of picking out house plans. Talk about a daunting task. Lucky for us we have an amazing builder - my dad - yes, here I go singing his praises again.

WOW! I can't believe we actually own property in Baltimore County. I never thought it would happen. Growing up the daughter of a builder I have always dreamed of having my dad build a house from scratch for my family. And now it is going to happen. Jay says he is going to help in the evenings and weekends, which will be cute. I bet he will look pretty adorable in a tool belt. Maybe Alex can get his own little tool belt and help too! Now that would be a picture - my 3 favorite guys building the Queen (that would be me) her castle!

Why?

As I mentioned in my previous post, my grandmother died a year ago. We were very close and I miss her everyday. I know she would get such a kick out of Alex. Anyway, I digress. The other night my dad made me clean out the one closet I still occupied in my childhood room, which is now an office...but again I digress.

I threw most everything out but saved photo albums, my first pair of point shoes, my $125 wedding shoes (that were on my feet for a total of one hour - they didn't even make it out of the church), my Cabbage Patch kids, and a handful of the many letters that my grandma wrote to me when I was away at college.

So I got home and I read the letters,and it could probably go without saying, but I cried my eyes out! Because I miss her? yes! Because I wish she could be here to watch my son grow? yes! But more than that, I cried because I felt her here with me now as I read those letters from 11 years ago! One of the letters was dated March 10, 1996. In the letter she told me that my mom had told her that my boyfriend of 3 years and I had broken up, and she wanted to let me know she was there for me. And I must have written right back pouring my heart out about how heartbroken I was and asking the question "WHY?," because I received another letter dated just 6 days later. In the letter she wrote that why was the million dollar question.

She continued, "why did I have a miscarriage? why is my loved one ill? etc.etc. There is no answer to that question but you just have to have faith in God that He will help you through it and that He has a plan for you. "

It is so incredibly eerie as well as divine that a letter written 11 years ago by my grandmother who no longer walks this earth has such meaning right now in my life. 11 years later I am going through the things she was speaking of in her letter. Could she have known? And what made me keep those two letters?

I guess asking "WHY?" is a waste of time. I will instead bask in the love that she had for me my whole life and believe she still has as she watches from heaven. I guess I don't have to worry about her missing Alex grow up - she isn't missing a thing!

When will fall be here?

Okay, admittedly I am a little slow to this whole blogging thing. But I have a lot to say, really I do.

It has been a busy summer - we have had some great times...many weekends and a few weeks at the beach with my hubby and little man and our extended families-(alex is a beach baby to the fullest extent - thank goodness or I don't know what I'd do- the beach is my haven!) .....a trip to Vegas and one to Chicago....and a lot of time spent outside on playgrounds, in swimming pools, and in our backyard. Alex is a wild man - I always say that he is either on or off (awake or asleep) he doesn't wind up or down. So I am tired all the time, but truly loving every minute of it, except maybe when he bites another kid on the playground! Really he is a sweet kid but loves to take little nibbles out of others. Really, that needs to stop!

There have been some serious heartaches this summer. Imagine my surprise in June when I found out I was preggo without even trying (boy, was my hubby proud of himself). And imagine my heartbreak a few days later when I lost my little baby. Although I only had a few days to love the baby, my heart was so full already that it literally broke when I found out. And then a few weeks ago, my dad found out he has prostate cancer. Talk about knocking the wind out of our sails. My dad is the most amazing, hardworking, funny, loving man in all the world (okay, maybe I am a little biased, but still). He just lost his mother a year ago today ( don't even get me started on the heartbreak associated with that subject) and he just doesn't deserve this! We are very optomistic that everything is going to be fine, it seems as if he is in the early stages, but it is still scary as anything I have experienced in my 30 years. So if anyone out there prays, please pray for my dad!

I need fall to be here. I need the cool, refreshing air to help me breathe again....

First Timer

Hello there. I am a first time blogger, as well as a first time momma. I have an amazing 20 month old son. He is the love of my life. I am really not sure how these things, blogs, work. But I have a Master's Degree in Reading Education and I hope to become a writer...someday!